"Never give a sucker an even break."
"Children should neither be seen nor heard from - ever again."
"Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water."
"I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy."
"Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee."
"Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water."
"I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally."
"I never vote for anyone; I always vote against."
"Start every day off with a smile and get it over with."
"Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people."
"Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch."
"Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed."
"I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake--which I also keep handy."
"A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for."
