"Food is an important part of a balanced diet."
"Nothing succeeds like address."
"The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink."
"Humility is no substitute for a good personality."
"If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no longer be fantasies."
"I do not believe in God. I believe in cashmere."
"Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat."
"If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words."
"Being a woman is of special interest to aspiring male transexuals. To actual women it is simply a good excuse not to play football."
"Favorite animal: steak."
"I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not."
"When you leave New York, you are astonished at how clean the rest of the world is. Clean is not enough."
"I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota."
"Inhabitants of underdeveloped nations and victims of natural disasters are the only people who have ever been happy to see soybeans."
"Special-interest publications should realize that if they are attracting enough advertising and readers to make a profit, the interest is not so special."
"No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
"My favorite animal is steak."
"Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine."
"In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra."
"If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater, suggest that he wear a tail."
"Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you."
"Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra."
