"What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death."
"We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds if we felt like it."
"all the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too, provided you use them for business purposes. for example, if you subscribe to the wall street journal, a business-related newspaper, you can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of u.s. supreme court chief justice warren burger in a landmark 1979 tax decision: "where else are you going to read the paper? outside? what if it rains?""
"And, of course, you have the commercials where savvy businesspeople Get Ahead by using their MacIntosh computers to create the ultimate American business product: a really sharp-looking report."
"Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face."
"Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent."
"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear."
"What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth ? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad."
"You can only be young once. But you can always be immature."
"Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking."
"The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes."
"The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment."
"As long as humanity has been human, it has looked toward the heavens and dreamed that some day, some way, there would be giant federal contracts involved."
"Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it."
"I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to."
"Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet."
